“A world without love is a deadly place.”” — Helen Fisher”
“A world without love is a deadly place.”” — Helen Fisher”
Okay, so it is finals week, and I am so over it. First day of finals week I decide to go to bed early for my 7:30 final (this is Sunday night). I lay down only to decide that I couldn’t sleep. So to be efficient with my time I decided to study. I studied for two hours, and was getting kind of tired, so I stopped and laid down, only for my brain to go into overdrive running through the things that I had studied. I didn’t go to bed until 3 in the morning leaving me with barely 3 hours of sleep before my final. Then to top things off, I had a paper to write today. This paper took me FIVE hours to write. I have yet to really take a nap so I have been running on 3 hours of sleep. Thankfully tomorrow is a day off, then I have a final on Wednesday and then will be home bound Thursday. I feel like I need lots of sleep when I get home. Though I also feel like as soon as I get home all of the hustle and bustle of the Christmas season is in full swing leaving me feel even more stressed because I do not feel ready at all. Hopefully I will not be required to do much when I first get home because I am super exhausted. Currently with my exhaustion I want to burst out crying for no reason… Ahh… Such that is the stress that comes from finals.
Ugh… it hurts! Why is it that every time I feel like things are going well, it turns out that I am screwing up in every major way. This of course leads me to feel miserable and hate myself. But you yell at me for acting like that. You tell me to stop and quit. You tell me that I’m not allowed to hate myself, but I feel there is no other way to deal with the confrontation that I am screwing up. How else am I supposed to get better if I’m not allowed to go through the hatred cycle? Yes I know this cycle usually leads me to offering to leave you just so that you will be happy. These cycles hurts me so deeply that it is like a breakup every time. What ever shall I do? Sometimes these breakups lead me to wanting to do more, things that I know you hate. Things I know that others don’t want me to do. Things that I am addicted to. I feel like my heart rips into a million pieces every time, and then you slowly knit it back together, but then we come to a confrontation again and the cycle repeats.
